Ask Felines

We all love our humans. But how do we tell when they’re not feeling well, and how can we help them? Our experts are standing by to answer your questions.

Whiskers asks: My human seems sad. He stares blearily at the sun, which is more than a little worrying. What should I do?

Answer: Whiskers, sometimes it helps if you just sit on your human's lap and purr. How do you know if you're sitting on his lap? A good way to know if you're not sitting on his lap is if he makes noises to the effect of, "Whipsers, et off ma fafe!" In which case, you may be causing him more discomfort than anything. Also, attempt to purchase him a good pair of sunglasses.

Eyelashes asks: My humans have a small squishy baby, and it puts anything and everything in its mouth. I'm terrified of it. How do I keep it from getting me?

Answer: Eyelashes, it's always a shame to hear of humans and cats growing apart because a human bites. We possess proven  methods of controlling homo sapien biting. You may wish to obtain a teething ring. When using this method, however, keep the ring between yourself and the child at all times. You want the child to come across the teething ring FIRST, before it can get to YOU. Chances are it will take up the teething utensil and forget about you (or at least give you a head start). If you put yourself before the teething ring, you will have a problem, as the child has not yet developed an understanding of its  mouth's strength. In 20 years time, it will learn not to bite and can become your best friend, and the teething ring may well become obsolete.

Pan asks: My human is in the habit of dancing around to no music. Most of the time, I just lay there and pretend I don't notice. But I'm really worried. What could cause this? Should I step in?

Answer: Pan, you want to refrain from stepping in for as long as possible, as you might trip your human, a common mistake and one to be ardently avoided. Especially since there may be nothing wrong with him in the first place. Look closely at his head. His dancing may result from objects in his ears called "earbuds," out of which music emanates. Earbuds consist of teardrop shapes attached to hypnotizing strings you may be tempted to bite. Look and determine whether you're hypnotized. If so, there's a 21.3% chance the objects are ear buds. On the other hand, he may really be dancing to no music, which means he's harmlessly insane, which deserves congratulations! Many humans don't know the difference between harmlessly insane and contemptible and therefore avoid both, when harmless insanity is so much fun to watch. Just enjoy it. Then again, it's possible your human experiences the statistical anomaly of having so many spiders fall down his shirt that his cat calls it a habit. In that case, there's not much you can do until he gets the spider out. Stand by to jump into his lap and purr.

Wanderlust101 asks: I'm wondering about adopting this nearby human, but he's a bit strange. Should this affect my decision? But what are the benefits of adopting a human and how taxing is it?

Answer: Wanderlust101, humans are a very popular adoption option for many cats, partly because they offer handouts but more so because they offer affection and comfort. Humans are usually very independent. Many times, if you leave them to their work, they feed themselves. If you've never owned a human before, it helps to know what it involves, but not necessary. So often we find that cats just naturally pick up on all the human's needs and form a bond. Just be kind to them. If they are kind in return, they are perfect for you. This is not to say you should let down you're guard. If they come too close too soon, swipe at them and run. If they are true cat lovers, they'll understand your need to be cautious in this cold, cruel, cat-hating world.

Oreo asks: My human used to take out the big white jug from the big humming box and pour milk in my dish, but she never does anymore. She takes it out, puts it on the counter, pours her own glass, and puts it back just like that. It's becoming extremely frustrating. Any tips how to fix this?

Answer: Oreo, you really need to nip this behavior in the bud. Don't wait till it's too late and the jug is back in the fridge (the humming box). Get in there right away, and as the human puts the jug on the counter, purr loudly, meow pitiably, widen your eyes, and weave around the human's ankles. Do not, under any circumstances, forget to weave. It is the most critical aspect of the process. This method is the kindest way to inform the human that, if she doesn't release the milk, not only will her heart break, but she also won't get back to the fridge. This treatment is widely effective on kindly humans, but also widely irritating, so use with moderation.

Rawr asks: My human trips over me almost every night? Causes? Fixes?

Answer: Rawr, a little-known fact about humans is that they can't see in the dark like us. To solve this problem, follow these steps.

Step 1. (Some of you may prefer not to start at square one, as it is the farthest step from results. If this is you, skip to the final step, step 4.) Gather a dollop of unicorns. Leave it in place until step 3.

Step 2. Gather a handful of coal.

Step 3. Instruct the unicorns to trample the coal while wearing their star-nail horse shoes. Allow them to go home and retrieve the shoes if they have forgotten them. Also, check with their parents whether the young unicorns are allergic to coal. If they're immortal and invincible as rumored, let me know. I've always wondered. Have the unicorns trample the coal. Voila! Diamonds! Your human now possesses the resources required to attain a pair of night vision goggles. This variety of eye wear is particularly useful for vision at night.

Step 4. At night, be sure to avoid making beds in the centers of paths your human often takes, and keep a yard of distance between yourself and your human's feet at all times.

Fluffy asks: Every day, I bring my humans a mouse on their doorstep, and I'm like, "Here's a mouse, you guys, because I love you. Mouses are quite salubrious. Sometimes you worry me. I don't know why you won't eat more mice." But they won't eat the mice, and I'm afraid for their health. Why won't they eat the mice?

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