The Wonderful World of Humans

One of the world's most pressing problems today must surely be that of making heads or tails of the dominant species on earth, who don't actually have tails. And barely any heads. Which may be part of the problem.

Hello and welcome to the Wonderful World of Humans. I'll be your guide through this harrowing, but ultimately very. . . harrowing, experience. Call me Ishmael. It's not my name, but first lesson here, quote classics, and humans will call you intelligent. Even if you're insulting them. What fools these mortals be. Lesson number two: humans cling vehemently to the classics to the exclusion of all else. Come up with original ideas, and humans will call you insane. At least until some "authority" makes your ideas "official." Then, they'll believe even if you were insane. Can someone say the theory-- I mean, FACT of Evolution.

Now, at this point, your head might be spinning. It might seem impossible to master understanding of humans now. You might be regretting the day you changed your major from Quantum-physical-mechanical-superminutae to Humans. You might be feeling a sudden urge to clean litter boxes and septic tanks in favor of grasping the basics of this sad batty species. Worry not! With time and incremental steps, you will understand humans better than the backs of your keyboards.

We shall begin at the beginning. Babies. Awww, so cute! But not really, though.

Moving on, humans like keeping it real, which is why fakes make it farther than anyone. Humans spend a lot of time forming opinions on pop culture figures, which is why they just accept it when Kanye West is derided for embarrassing the angelic Taylor Swift who's worshipped even when she's humiliating scores of people in her songs and interviews without the guts to say it to their faces because she's better than Miley Cyrus who never badmouths anyone but isn't the "In" person to worship like Taylor Swift is. Humans want to be unique, which is why they copy all their friends and everyone else who's trying to be unique by, for instance, wearing converse. Humans want to be normal, which is why they copy all their friends and everyone else who's trying to be normal by, for instance, wearing converse. Humans want to be true to themselves, which is why they say whatever will make people like them. Humans are self-aware, which is why they respond to comments they don't like by telling people not to comment on stuff they don't like.

Let's take a look at the human brain. Humans have grey matter in the form of the cerebrum so that they may think for themselves, understand irony and sarcasm. . . No. Wait. I'm thinking of cats. Why do humans even have that part of the brain?

Anyway, when considering human courtship rituals, it is useful to remember-- Aw, forget it. This species doesn't make any sense at all. You're better off studying Quantum-physical-mechanical-superminutae. I'll see you there.